True Lies - 1994

I didn't get any movies in the mail today, but I didn't fret. True Lies was playing on TNT! Sure, they cut some stuff out, but all the important parts with Simon (played by Bill Paxton) were still intact. Awesome.

I saw this when it came out in '94. I hated Arnold Schwarzenegger in '94 and I hate him now. But this film still holds up. It's not awesome, but it's not terrible, either. There are lots and lots of totally cheesy parts, but there are also some pretty funny bits, too. I think it's amazing how this film is all about catching the Terrorists and I swear Arnold is using some of the same lines from this movie in the present day. Amazing.

In a nutshell, the plot goes a little something like this: Arnold and Jamie Lee Curtis are married. He's a "computer salesman" by day, Federal agent by night. She's a mousy secretary type who is seeking some adventure in her life. Jamie Lee meets Simon, played by our hero Bill Paxton, who tricks her into believing he's also a secret agent, when in reality he's just a slimy car salesman. Arnold gets jealous and busts in on the two of them. He makes Simon pee his pants and makes Jamie Lee sign up to be an undercover agent. As Jamie Lee is taking off her clothes in a hotel room while Arnold watches, the Terrorists bust in and capture both of them. For the remaining 30 minutes or so, we watch to see how Arnold and Jaime Lee are going to escape and make sure the Terrorists do not detonate the nuclear bomb they plan to use to destroy the USA!

Since this is a blog dedicated to my Bill Paxton summer, I have to point out how awesomely funny he is in True Lies. He is so slimy and creepy! He preys on lonely women because he can't get laid any other way! He's a used car salesman!

"Let's face it. The 'Vette... gets 'em wet!"

And he's got a fabulous mustache that kind of hypnotized me for a while. It's not quite a full, manly 'stache, but it's still enough to make me cringe...yet I can't look away.

"If not for me, Helen, do it for your country! "

Plus, he's got some of the best lines in the entire film!

" Men want this car for only one reason: pussy."

"I have to lie to women to get laid. And I don't score much. I got a really small dick, it's pathetic."

If you haven't seen True Lies, you're in luck. It plays again tomorrow on TNT at 7pm CST. They really don't cut much out, except some choice words. It's one of those mindless movies that draw you in and make you laugh. And to think, 14 years later, we're still fighting the Terrorists!