One False Move - 1991

We're back!

I watched One False Move last night before bed. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't awesome, either. Kind of a mediocre film that had me wondering if it was a Made-For-TV movie at one point*. It would be a great Made-For-TV movie if there was less swearing and violence and blood and use of the "N" word. Amazingly, according to the IMDB this was Gene Siskel's favorite film of 1992. But I digress.

One False Move stars our hero, Bill Paxton as a back-woods sheriff called Dale "Hurricane" Dixon. Why "Hurricane", you ask? No one knows, not even Dale. Officer Dixon has been on the scene, fightin' crime and breakin' up hillbilly fights in Star City, Arkansas for the past 6 years. When he gets word that some big time murder suspects are heading to his town, he gets as excited as a kid on Christmas.


The bad guys are Ray (played by Billy Bob Thornton), Pluto (played by Michael Beach (who?)), and Fantasia/Lila (played by Cynda Williams). The three of them kill a bunch of people, steal $15K and an assload of cocaine, and head for Houston. On the way, they ditch their car, kill some more people, and make seriously poor decisions for a bunch of people who expect to get away with a crime.


For some reason, Fantasia/Lila decides she needs to go to Star City to see her family. Well, Dale gets word of this and also word that two big time Los Angeles detectives are also on their way to his small town. He's so excited to be working with Important Cops that he neglects his family for a bit, but hey, it's all about catching the bad guys, right?

Once Dale gets word that Lila is in town, instead of alerting the L.A. cops, he stakes out the abandoned house she decides to stay in until Ray and Pluto arrive. This ends up being a key scene in the film, so I won't spoil it. But trust me, you see it coming a mile away. At least I did.


In the morning, Ray and Pluto show up, there's a shoot-out, some people live, some people die, and that's it. The end of the movie. Pretty anti-climactic, if you ask me. I was like "Wha??" when the end credits started rolling. Seriously.

I recommend One False Move only if you're a Bill Paxton fan. The film is pretty boring, has a lame ending, and you see the "twist" coming a mile away. I guess if you like to see Billy Bob Thornton sporting a mullet you should watch this, too. But other than that, I'd leave it off your Netflix list.

No leather pants in this one, but Bill Paxton is shirtless for a split second. That's almost as good.

*it was supposed to go direct to video, according to IMDB. I knew it!

Short Break

My Bill Paxton Summer will be back in a jiff. I've been dealing with a stubborn (and painful) ear infection that just won't quit. Coupled with stress from work and the heat and humidity, I just don't have the energy to write.

But never fear, I'll be back soon!

Thunderbirds - 2004

Thunderbirds was on the Disney channel this morning. I figured I'd watch it to knock it off my list.

Sorry, but I only got about 30 minutes into it before I had to turn it off.

Sure, our hero Bill Paxton was super cute in his Thunderbird uniform, but that's the only good thing I can say.

It was just too cheesy and annoying for me to watch. I had to turn it off. I guess this is the first movie that I have absolutely no comment on, since I couldn't get through it.

I guess if you have kids, your kids may like this. Or, if you were fans of the Thunderbirds TV show in the late 1960s you might like it, too. I don't have kids and I never watched the show.

So, yeah. That's about it for Thunderbirds.

Broken Lizard's Club Dread - 2004

This was another bad movie. It was boring and hokey and not funny at all. I'm not really one for slasher films, either. Maybe that's why I didn't like Club Dread. I was hoping I'd like it, since it was written by the same dudes who did Super Troopers. But yeah, it pretty much sucked.

The parts the our hero, Bill Paxton were in made me giggle. But when he's not on screen, I can't be bothered.


Bill Paxton plays Coconut Pete, a long haired hippie type who owns Coconut Pete's Coconut Beach Resort located on a non-descript island on an unmentioned body of water. Of course, the only people who pay to vacation on Coconut Pete's Coconut Beach Resort are young, tan, and gorgeous. Not an ounce of fat on anyone at any time. Kinda sad, really. The people look all the same, too. And I don't remember there being any African Americans. Eh, I think about this crap too much, huh?


Anyway, people start getting killed on the island. All the staff members are freaked out. They all determine that each other cannot be trusted. When the decide they know who the killer is, they lock him in a closet. But then, of course, more people get killed so they know that the person they thought was the killer, really isn't...or is it?

Even though I didn't like this movie very much, I had two favorite parts. The first was the live-action Pac-Man maze, complete with people dressed up as fruit. The second was the ending, which was pretty damn funny. I won't mention it here, in case any of you are dying (har har!) to see this movie. Oh, and I really liked the parts that Bill Paxton sang silly songs.

Speaking of which, here are a few Coconut Pete tunes you can download from the Club Dread website. I'd download them fast, as I can't guarantee that they will be around forever:

Pleasure Island
Naughty Cal
Pina Coladaburg
CominBlowin

If you like ridiculously silly slasher parody movies, this is for you. It's fun to see Bill Paxton play a stoned hippie, but that's really all that's amusing about this film. I guess you'd like it if you were stoned, though...

The Dark Backward - 1991

Ok, I really didn't think I was going to like this movie, but I did. It's so bizarre and weird that I found myself laughing through the whole thing. The Dark Backward is a pretty strange dark comedy. If you're into David Lynch's early stuff as well as awesome movies like Meet The Feebles, I think you'll like The Dark Backward.

The movie is about these two friends who work together picking up garbage in this bleak, disgusting, nameless city. Our hero, Bill Paxton, plays Gus, a guy who looks like he hasn't bathed in about 10 years. He's a pretty fun-loving guy, though, who is always laughing and encouraging his friend, Marty Malt (played by Judd Nelson) to pursue his stand up comedy routine. Gus plays the accordion as an accompaniment to Marty's comedy routine.

One day, Marty wakes up with a lump on his back. Gus tells him it looks kinda like a bug bite. But the lump keeps growing, until one day Marty wakes up with an arm growing out of his back. Most people are completely horrified, but Gus figures out a way to work it into Marty's comedy routine to make an extra buck. They end up meeting Jackie Chrome (played by Wayne Newton), who promises them fame and fortune in Hollywood.

Of course, things do not go as planned. I won't spoil the movie for you, but it had an ending I wasn't really expecting. That was good, because I hate it when I see it coming, you know? Kind of spoils the whole thing for me.

Bill Paxton was hilarious in this film. Judd Nelson did a great performance as well. I loved the set design and how you can't tell if the film takes place in the future or the past. Yes, there were some gross out moments, but nothing too major. Although I do like how all the gross scenes involved our hero, Bill Paxton. I read somewhere that he really was gagging during one scene and not pretending. Awesome.

If you're into totally bizarre, strange dark comedies, check out The Dark Backward. For me, the movie progressed quickly and I was not bored. I absolutely recommend this for the Bill Paxton fan out there. He's really great in it. I will have to watch it a second time to pick up on all the little details I missed the first time. For example, there's a carton of "Pork Juice" in the fridge. What the hell is that?

Check out the trailer here.